I Quit Drinking and My Life Went to Shit: Part 2

Originally published Nov 10 2022

I quit drinking booze on May 1st, 2021. I wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece called I Quit Drinking and My Life Went to Shit: Part 1 a few months later. Recently, my dedication to my sobriety was questioned by a friend. She wasn’t hounding me. She was just curious. It was kind of funny, though, because she seemed so hesitant to ask the question. Like she was either worried I was glugging back personal bottles of gin every night or she was concerned I’d be offended.

It went like this.

“Are you, um, still, um, ya know, not, um?”

I guessed, “Not drinking? Nope. Nothing in a year and a half.”

My friend stammered, “Do you, do you, uh, do you think you’ll ever go back?”

That gave me pause. Would I?

The timing was perfect because I’d recently pondered if I’ll ever drink again. If I did, could I moderate? What would that look like? Should I test it?

And that led me to examine what’s changed in the last year and a half.

The good

1. I sleep like the dead. Every morning since I quit, and my husband asks how I slept, my answer is some obnoxiously chipper shit like, “Fantastic! Glorious! Stupendous!” And I hum to myself as I roll out of bed, ready for the day. Old me would have itched to smack new me.

2. I lost my anger button. Stuff that used to annoy me as badly as a cat rubbed backward isn’t that important anymore. I used to be angry at a lot of things. The environment, politics, bad drivers, empty grocery shelves… you name it. If it roughed up my world, I had some choice words. Now I’m like, eh, ok, red cabbage instead of green. It will turn my dinner pink, but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.

3. My friendships are honest. I don’t question if I’m a drinking buddy for someone. I know I’m not. I share time and energy with my friends because we enjoy each other. There’s security and certainty in that.

4. Life is generally easier. I don’t have the anxiety or depression I used to have while drinking. At first, it felt a little boring. Where’s my drama? I need a rollercoaster! No, thank you, I don’t. It’s not like my life is beige; I just avoid the sharp edges. Enough is going on that I don’t need to trip myself up as well. Sobriety brings clarity.

5. I find pleasure in simple things. I have loads more gratitude since getting sober. Now that I’m not living in the blur of booze or its resulting horror show the following day, I see the world differently. I notice small beauties like they are gifts from the Universe. The way my cat’s purr rumbles in my chest when she’s snoozing on me. The sheer joy in my dog’s smile when I ask her if she wants to go outside. The way my car defrosts in the shape of a heart on chilly mornings. The beauty of life is in the little things. I see them now.

   The bad

   1. My house is still a mess. I thought I’d pull together this aspect of my life, but it turns out I’m a slob. I don’t leave piles of dirty dishes in the sink, but I do tend to undress all over the place. And then the next day, I’m searching for the sweater I hauled off while doing yoga, or the slippers I kicked under the sofa while reading, or trying to locate my favorite hat that the cat has dragged off by the pom pom. I can live with this mess. It’s better than the emotional shitshow caused by drinking too much.

   2. I’ve been the designated driver for eighteen months. As I’ve said before, I hate driving at night. However, my husband has decided that he’s sick of not sleeping, and he’s giving this no-booze thing a shot. Fist pump. Now, when we go out, I’ll suggest he drive, which means he’ll stay sober. Of course, I could drive us home, but I can always fake that I hate driving his truck. In the snow. Blind. I swear I’m just trying to support him.

   3. I feel more. I don’t have my numbing agent since I quit drinking, so if something bad happens, I feel it hard. My Mom’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse, and it rips my heart into shreds when we talk. Sobriety keeps me present in life as it unfolds. I’m no longer stacking away pain to be dealt with later. I’m in it. The flip side is that I’ll get tears in my eyes when I see my car defrosting. I like to think it’s an angel saying, “Here, honey, here’s something sweet for balance.”

   The ugly

   1. I still have an addictive nature. Maybe it’s just how I’m wired. Sometimes it’s shopping, and sometimes it’s sugar. When I’m trying to soothe myself through distraction, it means there’s something deeper going on. Often, I ignore it and fall face-first into homemade ice cream or chocolate, and sometimes I sit with it. I’m still learning how to cope with my desire to escape. It’s a process. I’m getting better.

   2. I get bored easily. I still love to go to parties. I mean, come on! Parties! Old me would be right in there drinking and dancing. New me searches to connect and have a lively conversation. But there is a tipping point. And when it gets sloppy, I get bored and go home. That’s a bummer. I do miss the wildness of drunken parties; honestly, I do. But it’s simply not a part of me anymore, and I’m okay with that. I’ll hang out and have fun until it’s not fun. Then I drive my sober ass home. Not all parties turn into ragers, and for that, I’m grateful because I can stay for longer.

   3. I am a judgmental cow. I judged myself when drinking, and I judge myself now sober. I question if life was fun when drinking. Often, yes. Frequently, no. Now that I’m sober, I worry that life was more fun when drinking. But then I remember the wasted days spent on the couch and how deeply I despised myself for them. Sigh. Black-and-white thinking doesn’t give me a straight answer. I should tell the Judge Judy that lives in my head to take a vacation. She’s not helping. This leads me to consider that I have to keep working on my perfectionist tendencies. They’re still there despite me not making a fool of myself with alcohol anymore.

   Back to the question, will I ever drink again?

   I can’t predict, no matter how hard I swing my crystal pendulum. It’s not easy to guess. I want to be absolutely certain and 100% resolved, but life isn’t like that for me.

   Instead, I look at the question, what would I gain from drinking again?

   And that’s an easy answer — not much. Sure, I might be able to “let go” a little easier, but it comes at a hefty price. I hated hangovers, and mine were bad, even after a glass or two of wine. My sleep was annihilated, and healthy choices flew out the window. I like feeling rested. I like eating well. I like good skin. I like being peaceful.

   So, will I? I don’t know. I can’t really see why I’d bother. And that’s a beautiful feeling.