Strong Butts Do It Better
Originally posted July 29 2024
Life, you dirty bird. Strong butts do life better.
I’ve had a personal trainer since January, and I meet with Val three times a week to get my butt kicked. He’s a Strongman who, in addition to building my body, is teaching me how to curse in Russian so I can swear at him in the gym without making too much of a scene.
Although I’m not saying it correctly, as illustrated by his smirk, something to the effect of “Yeah-butt” is F* this. He hears it a lot.
One of the things he sadistically loves is split squats, affectionately referred to as squid splots due to mermaids being on my brain, and I mixed up the words accidentally.
I’ve always had a bit of a flat ass (thanks, Mom and Dad), but recently, I caught sight of my booty and gasped. Yes, honest to God, gasped. Pancake butts rejoice! You, too, can fill out and be strong!
Enter split squats.
I won’t lie. I hated them for a solid six months because they were hard, and they hurt, and I was bad at them, not to mention that sitting and standing was torture the next day. He’d have me do them holding a weeny little hand weight, and I’d look around at all the big, buff men hoisting small cows on their backs and think… Yeah-butt.
In fairness, my ass has not been switched on for years. Enter hip restoration surgery in 2020 as a result. I relied on my hip flexors to drag me up and down mountains, and eventually, not suited for such endeavors; they, too, said yeah-butt.
If you’re doing squats, excellent. Val makes me do squats until I get dizzy and want to pass out. And then he makes me do split squats. Thanks, Val, you’re a real treat, friend.
A lot of trainers say that the squat is the most important exercise for seniors. You need strong legs when you get old. Remember that commercial, “Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up?” If you do, guess what? You’re probably on the other side of fifty. Squats will increase bone density and joint health and help keep you from falling over and busting a hip.
The split squat requires more skill, working one leg at a time, and improves your balance. Split squats help with general balance as well as muscular balance (hello, flat ass). For example, if you have strong quads but weak hamstrings, you’re not balanced. Or if your calves scream after you walk up a hill, you’re not balanced.
This is critical as we get older. Once you have a fall, it can be a fast downhill slide, as you can lose muscle quickly, making it that much harder to get back up.
And so, I leave you with this sage advice from an author - someone who sits a lot - do squats. Once those become easy, do split squats or squid splots and feel your body getting stronger.
Yeah, butt.
The video below is good to watch if you have no idea what I’m talking about. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, consider hiring a trainer.