Decreased Libido in Perimenopause and Beyond
Originally posted Feb 8 2023
Did you reach a certain age and lose all interest in nooky? You aren’t the only one; roughly one in three women find their libido decreases from the mid-40s. Often, we only look at one culprit - hormones. But that’s not the only reason.
To recapture your libido, we’ll need a multi-pronged strategy.
Sexual desire is made of three interrelated components:
Drive - this is the biological component.
Beliefs, values, and expectations about sex - this is your mind talking.
Motivation - willingness.
Let’s go through each of these so you can recapture your friskiness.
Drive:
Desire comes easily when we’re younger and stuffed full of juicy hormones. Remember when your partner had to look at you a certain way, and you were tearing off your clothes?
The change in hormones is mostly to blame for losing this va-va-voom. A drop in estrogen leads to hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness. A decrease in testosterone can plummet sex drive and sensation. You can address this with hormone replacement, and I use bio-identical hormones. Any hormone replacement has pros and cons, and I’m not the one to give you advice. See your doctor or a qualified practitioner.
Suffice it to say that they’ve helped me a lot, and for more than just sexual interest. And this is after ten years of trying damiana, maca, chaste berry, and other herbal support.
Beliefs, values, and expectations about sex:
The world is flooded with ripe, young beauties selling us stuff. As we get older, our looser skin and softer muscles can make us think we’re over the hill, past our prime, dried up, and rolling fast for the grave. It doesn’t “feel” sexy anymore to be in these bodies.
However, that’s all in your head. Being older and wiser means you’re more apt to speak your mind and meet your needs. You don’t have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy, and you can give yourself permission to be as lustful as you want. Whether with the old man, old lady, or by yourself, you are in the driver’s seat, and you can choose that you want more pleasure.
I’ll bet my last dollar that, more often than not, if you initiate sexy time, your partner will jump at the opportunity. Try it.
Motivation:
This is considered the most complex component of desire—your willingness. When I was perimenopausal, I’d have to start before the desire kicked in. We’d go through the opening motions, and then something in my body would say, “Oh, yeah, I remember; this is fun.”
This is where the frilly undies, lacy teddies, and romance stories come into play, as well as sexting and scheduling intimacy.
Women need to think about sex to get in the mood. When you’re young, there’s a biological drive to procreate. When the hormones taper off, you have to put in more effort.
With a hectic life, one friend puts on a tiny scrap of lace on Saturday mornings. Her husband jumps her. They know it will happen, so they’re both thinking about it. She goes the extra mile and dresses for the occasion. Another friend makes afternoon sex dates with her husband. Their lives are busy, and they’re too tired at night. So, they, too, know when they’re going to get frisky.
I hear you say, “Scheduling sex isn’t sexy.”
So you’ve lost the spontaneity. So what. You don’t have the same hormones racing through your bloodstream, making you want to hop in the sack at the drop of a hat. That’s biology. We can’t rely on that any longer.
To enjoy a healthy, happy sex life well into old age, support your hormones, decide that you’re still hot to trot, and then put it into motion.
Oh, and buy lube.
It’s a game-changer when you get older.